I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
