cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
