my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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