the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
