I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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