I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
