I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
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Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
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You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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