I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
