Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
