Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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