Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
