he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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