is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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