Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
