I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
