My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
