I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
