I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
