Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Randomize
