he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
