My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
