its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
