I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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