i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
