And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
