So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
