I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Shame is for Republicans.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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