If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Still dying that you shit outside
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
