You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
