This girl is more easily done than said...
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Im just a social blackout drinker.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
