i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
