I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
