unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
