I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
