seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
