cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You dont lie about slip and slides
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
