I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
