Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
