im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
