Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
