I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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