Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
