I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
