just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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