I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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