end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
