What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
