I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
