The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
