Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
