if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
