I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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