He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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