I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
