Where is the hickey?
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
