that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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