I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
