put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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